INT. OFFICE HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Moonlight shining through a window provides the only light. A padlocked door with the words "Tales of a screenwriter with no time to write" is only just visible. CHRIS, an average spec monkey, takes a key out of his pocket and unlocks the padlock. He opens the door a crack and hesitates, but with a shake of his head swings the door wide open. He steps into his office and stands there with a smile on his face.
I'm back! I just wish I hadn't sold my software.
FADE OUT TO THE BLOG.
Crikey it's dusty in here! I'll have to call the maid.
Well here I am again, putting the jump leads back on my screenwriting battery. I think one of the reasons I put down my quill 4 months ago was the 'what next factor'. I had my first complete first draft under my belt with a clear idea of what draft two would look like. I was sitting there one night and had the following conversation with myself:
ME: Draft two should flow off the keyboard.
ANGEL ON MY RIGHT SHOULDER (AOMRS): Fantastic, keep it up.
DEVIL ON MY LEFT SHOULDER (DOMLs): Why bother?
ME & AOMRS: What?
DOMLS: I mean what are you going to do after you have finished?
AOMRS: He'll get an agent!
ME: Yeah, I'll get an agent!
DOMLS: Do you know how many people finish a screenplay every year and try to get an agent?
ME: I dunno... five or six.
DOMLS: HA! You wish. Try thousands.
ME: That can't be right, I'm great at this, I can't go wrong.
DOMLS: You don't know shit!
ME: I kno.....
DOMLS: I said you don't know shit.
ME (to AOMRS): Don't you have anything to say?
AOMRS: You'd think I would, but I'm drawing a blank.
ME: Fine help you are!
AOMRS: Hey, it's not my fault the guy in red makes a good point.
DOMLS: I thank you.
So I went into dejected spec monkey mode and after a while I sold my Movie Magic software to buy an XBox 360. After all what use is a Muse when he/she can't take you anywhere?
Well I was walking out of the supermarket about a week ago with the weekly shop looking at a lottery ticket I had just bought when someone threw a brick at the back of my head. After picking myself up I turned and:
ME: Hey! Who the hell threw that?
MY MUSE: It was me you dick!
ME: What the hell are you doing here?
MY MUSE: What's that in your hand?
ME: My lottery ticket.
MY MUSE: And what are the odds of winning the jackpot?
ME: I dunno.
MY MUSE: Probably less than your chance of selling a screenplay
ME: I thought you were supposed to make the ideas flow, not lecture me. Anyway where have you been lately?
MY MUSE: Listen dipshit, I've seen your list of screenplay ideas you have and they are good. I should know, I came up with them. If you are going to buy one of those tickets every week expecting to win, I'm not going to accept that "I'll never sell a screenplay" cry-baby shit any more. Now get back to your writing, and while you are at it, blow the cobwebs off that blog of yours!
Like a good spec monkey should, I've taken my Muse's advice :)
Saturday, June 10, 2006